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there has been too much on my mind. way too much. I don't know, I have so many questions, so many thoughts, its cramping up in my mind so badly.

i never knew the pros and cons of living in a divorced family would weigh out so fast. before, i thought it was better, you know? Hey, my parents wouldn't continuously argue, there wouldn't be atmospheres where no one wants to even talk anymore, that sort of thing. But I was so wrong?

dad and mom, if you guys divorced, can't you guys do it peacefully and end it there? why is dad badmouthing about mom and vice versa? why can't you guys for the last time just establish peace? why are you putting both your daughters in the spot like this?

dad, we haven't met in 3 weeks, and we're meeting again today. but why do i detest it so much? why does it seem as though nowadays having to see me is a chore for you.. and me too? for those 3 weeks you didn't even message me once, do you not care about me anymore? did you forget me? did you find someone else more important than me? every time we meet up you insult me to the point i'd want to run away and screw everything, do you really hate me that much? am i such a nuisance like you say..? or is this some excuse to make me go away? cause it feels as though one day you're going to get some new wife and new family and forget of my existence cause as you've said "i really hate being in a family with you."

they tell me my parents are both having it hard, and hey, being a divorced man/woman isn't easy. Then is it for us? is it for me..? 4 years ago, 2 weeks before psle, you both brought up divorcing, do you even know how devasted i was and since then how much it had been bugging me? so what if you guys called it off? its cause we were young. it was obvious you both no longer cared or loved each other anymore, it was obvious our family wasn't going to be the same. everyday, our family lived in such a vulnerable, fragile state. as though anytime, you guys would just walk to the lawyers office and call off your 17 years of marriage, and no doubt about that, you guys did, behind our backs.

i can honestly and wouldn't ever deny how okay i was with this. i grew up in a family where cold relationships and arguments were normal, where no one could carry out a proper conversation with one another, where kids had no say, where no one even wanted to talk to each other as we all grew up. isn't it sad to even think that i thought this was normal? that every family out there is like this? i think it is. i think its so god damn depressing to find out how close my friend's families are and how they can all talk about anything and everything and go out and have fun from young. what about me? this wasn't even established from young, and i know we can't ever go back to be like that anymore, but it really sucks. i yearn for stuff like that. but i don't want to do it with just mom, or just dad, i want the 4 of us to at least go out happily, just one last time. but i know that can't happen either, can it?

its not that i don't want to display any affection, its not that i don't want to buy you gifts, its not that i don't want to say i love you, but i really don't know how to anymore. i don't even know why i just can't bring myself to even say "i love you mom" or "i love you dad", is it easy for other people? seems so. when my friends say they want to even bring their parents overseas with them when they study, when they say they want to be by their parent's side forever. and there's me who just wants to leave, for good. me, who can't say that i even love my parents cause i genuinely don't know if i do. often, people say anger towards your parents is always temporary, and hey, ultimately they're your parents, and they love you very much, and you love them very much too. but why am i so unsure about it now? its so sad. really. but its true. its just different. the way i look at them. how i wish i could at least experience what normal families do for once, how i could inculcate some good feelings of warmth and love towards my parents. it has become so hard. it has grown to become so hard. our "family" just grew up cold, why though? why couldn't both of you get along? why couldn't both of you give my sis and i what is deemed to be a normal family? why didn't you? if you did, i wouldn't feel so upset now, cause i know i can never experience a normal family ever again.

its not that i can't tell both your individual efforts, how you guys just think after divorcing hey peace established lets go out and be a normal family? Oh how i wish. in your eyes it might be, but to me, it'll never be the same, not anymore. i'm sorry i'm always such a selfish bitch, and not compromising with any of your plans, maybe its cause i just don't want to accept that well, this is how life is for me now. I really really don't. it really really hurts. to think that i come from a broken home? to think i don't even know what i can call family now and what i can't? is dad my family? is mom? are both considered one family? I have two? i hate thinking of stuff like that, i hate being in situations like that. I hate how both of you just selfishly divorced and threw me into one of most undesired life situations ever.

i'm so tired of life. i can't turn to anyone at home, and i try so hard to even open my mouth in school but no one even cares about me. I tried to call my friends cause i just fucking need someone around to even talk to, whether its about all this stupid shit or just to help me forget. but why do i keep getting close to the wrong people, that end up hurting me even more. they just talk to me on one day and make me for once feel like someone thinks i'm worthy to push me away the next day, it makes me feel so unwanted, so lost.

i feel so abandoned by everyone and i feel as though i don't have an identity anymore. i don't know where i belong, i don't belong anywhere, not in school, not at home, i don't even know what is my home. i'm so unwanted everywhere i feel like i should just disappear. its so funny, when both your parents don't want you to stay with them. telling you to go stay with the other, do you know where i want to go? i want to go to the roof and jump off. I want to go my a new blade and slice my entire wrist apart. everything everyday every little second hurts me so much what's the point.

i guess i could somewhat empathise with the saying of how the people who been through the most, smile the brightest. i wouldn't say i been through the most or the worst, but i can't understand who or what i'm putting up that smile and being positive for anymore. people just end up thinking i'm not a serious person, and no one takes my upsetting words seriously, people just think i'm okay with everything and i don't have feelings or something. and everything they say just slowly prick me apart, i don't know how long its going to be till i hit my breaking point in class in school and just give myself away already, cause i'm so exhausted. mentally and physically. things have been moving too fast for me, life is getting too fast for me, i'm running out of gas in my car, i'm not happy.

i want to be a happy person. i want that smile i have whenever i'm in school to be genuine, i want to be able to live my life with less complications. but i have yet to find a remedy for my problem. and i really don't know how to find it, and i really need it to find it.